How do I begin?

I never thought of myself as a blogger or anything of the sort. Maybe I am doing this for self therapy... Hmmm...

A lot of things lately have come back from the past. Mostly memories and friends that cause those memories to come rushing back like a flood of sunshine, shit and giggles. I have done a lot of traveling and met many people. I have lived in a tent a car a bus and even slept using the stars as a blanket. I have 3 children and 1 whom I dearly wish was mine. My boy is 5 and my girls are 3. (they are twins) All 3 have the same birth date. I am divorced and at present moment separated from my last lover. I am not down on life because I know me and how I work. I will make the best of any situation. i do not wallow in self pity nor do I like to hear others that do. If I don't like my fucking life, only I can change it.

Now that I am older(34), I look back and can analyze what I have done. Truth be told, I have done a lot more than most people. When I was 15 I started doing community theatre. We were doing a production of Oliver Twist. I was in that stage where I was too old to hang out with the kids and too young to hang with the adults. Then there was one very nice woman who let me hang with her. I had a huge crush on her, but of course she was taken. She would invite me out to party with the adults for the "after show". We would go to the local bar and since I was in full costume and make up they did not realize i was under age. So I would have a couple of drinks and enjoy listening to what the adults had to say. Then one night at a cast party, I was sitting on a couch by myself when i was approached by a man. We will Just call him G. He said to me' " I don't usually distribute to minors but here". He handed me a pipe. I had never smoked weed before so I was not really sure what to do. So I took a huge puff of green smoke into my lungs and held it until I coughed. I did that a few times. Then my world was rocked! I remember giggling until my sides hurt. It seemed at that point the party got so much better.

I did not see G. again for many months. That is until I went to a Civil War reenactment. We stopped to pick someone up and guess who? G! We had had a blast. We were camping out smoking and laughing. Here i was 15 chillin with adults. I was cool! After the weekend, we exchanged numbers and began to hang out. A lot! I would crash at his place smoke weed and get drunk. We would go to see theatre and white trash parties. I got so drunk I would pass the fuck out.

Then I met K. she was a cute lil blond. A friend introduced us. I was in love. She was getting into the whole Goth thing and since she was, you better be damn sure I was too. She introduced me to pills like Valium and such. Her dad was a cop but for some reason liked me. They would take me on family trips and let me spend holidays with them. Little did they know that I was banging their daughter. If we weren't around I was finger bandging or getting head and trying to act like I knew what I was doing in the sack. K. had introduced me to this guy M. He was a few years older than I but very cool. We would all go to Einstein A-Go-Go. It was a Goth friendly club We would go and request songs from The Dead Milkmen, Bauhaus, Depeche Mode and Mudhoney. M. and I became very close friends. One night M. and this other dude S. came and picked me up from work and we went to our dealers house. He told us he had some acid. M and S had done it before and I not wanting to look like a pussy bought 2 hits. It was these tiny little squares of paper they called "Purple Lotus". I thought " yeah right this won't get me high". So I stuck these squares of paper under my tongue like they had instructed. I kept thinking that I was not getting off. Then we hit Ponte Vedra Beach. As soon as I stood up out of the cramped car my life changed. I saw everything in 3-D. I would see lights pass in front of my eyes a thousand times. I had the most profound thoughts and uncontrollable happiness. We ran along the beach for hours. Chasing the lights and dodging the stars. My footprints would glow in the incandescent seaweed. The universe and I were one. We listened to Hendrix on the way home saw the music dancing on the windshield. Then after the tape was over we realized we had not moved. We then made it back to town. They dropped me off at my parents house. I slowly snuck in the front door and was playing Laser Tag with the flashing lights off of the VCR. When I finally made it back to my room I could not fall asleep. I would close my eyes and see beautiful colors folding into themselves. I learning the meaning of life in a picture. The words on the newspaper were marching down the page like a well formed ant invasion. I was hooked!